I need

to start thinking again.


I am intellectually empty.

This bothers me.


What happened?

How

is it that I can be talking to people that I really do love and care about
and secretly be thinking how annoyed I am by them
at the same time?

Oh god

I hate myself sometimes

I don't think I mean what I think

Or do I not mean what I say?

How do I not know what I mean?

I am

surrounded by disappointment.

In a number of ways.


And I realize
that one day
when I go back and look through a lot of these posts
I won't really know what I'm talking about.

Hm...

You may say...

I'm a dreamer.

But really
I am such a dreamer.

I want so much for my self; out of this world.
But I'm kind of doubting how much of it I will actually get.
I've realized I'm more talk than anything.
I'm so scared of the future, to be honest. And yet...other times I'm waiting for it with open arms.
And it scares the crap out of me when some of my friends are so ready and I'm so....not.
I don't want to be left behind...
But I don't want to feel like I have to do anything just because my friend(s) is(are) are doing it.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I can no longer see right in front of me.